the past should stay dead.

 I’d like to think myself as pretty likable but it doesn’t seem to work. I can’t work out what people dislike about me but it’s annoying. People say that you shouldn’t change, but I’ve changed and nobody has noticed that I’ve reinvented myself. I like cultured things and I care about things, I’m tidy and I like to make things clean. I’m so independent compared to lots of people yet people still try to treat me like I’m a fucking mongol. People call me arrogant but thinking about it, I think I deserve to act how I like because regardless of what people think they know I’ve tried so hard to become me and at least gain respect for being myself. I don’t have a clue what other people see in me, or what people think of me but it would be interesting to see what I’m like to them. I’ve ditched most of the old cliches and I’ve stopped with most of the over-elaborate self righteousness but I’m fed up with striving to become what others want me to be. Ever since I’ve started this family therapy shit it really rips into me and it brought out a lot of feelings that I knew I had I just didn’t want to see and It’s making me increasingly angry to small things and I’m bored as fuck with most people. It’s like socialising with anyone outside of your friends group, or out of your own gender is instantly strange and suspicious. You can’t compliment anyone anymore, you can’t be honest with people and I think that because I say things how they are; people don’t like it, and don’t think I’m genuine. I want something new to happen.

It’s been a long time since I’ve bothered writing anything on here, or writing anything at all. I used to do it all the time but since I’ve moved house It’s not really what it used to be. Nobody really gives a fuck about what I have to say which doesn’t particularly bother me, but it does get a bit annoying when nobody takes any notice about how I feel sometimes.

    I never wanted to move house, but I got forced to do that and I never realised that it was possible to love something so much. I miss it more than anything. I’ve had enough of the tension in my house, my Dad’s “girlfriend” is supposedly moving out and I really can’t wait. This house is not a home, and it can’t be until she leaves. There is nothing to decorate the walls here, nothing to make it feel warm and homelike. Even my dog doesn’t seem very happy. My Dad isn’t the same as he was and It feels like life has reached some sort of expiry date. Then again I think my life has been well passed it’s sell-by date for a long time now. I am a person full of ambition without any goals and it’s so hard to break this mold. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. It feels like everyone has something against me and I’ve not done anything wrong to anyone. Exams aren’t helping and I can’t find any motivation. The only thing I really look forward to is Download, Celtic games and being in my room. My relationships with my friends, and my girlfriend are fine.. I like the friends I have at the moment, sometimes I wish they considered how I felt sometimes. But It’s not their fault because I guess they don’t really know what to say. I think Im starting to suffer from everything that’s happened to me.. I’ve held everything inside for a long time and It’s starting to get to me. There is nothing worse than changes in life that you don’t choose or want, I can’t deal with everything that’s going on very well. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

We could settle down and change the end.
Nothing but time, start over again.
All the little things you do that make me fall in love with you.
Have led me to this, a bittersweet abyss.
I may never know..

Just a scent, of her skin
Unlocks forbidden memories.
The slightest gaze of fragile hand
I’ve got butterflies..
 

 Reflecting on time is a wonderful thing.

     Lots of people are saying how the last few years have gone so quickly, and i can’t say i disagree. 
The past four years have been one huge process. A process of evolution, development and changes. Looking back I don’t know where they’ve gone, However at the time; It seemed like they were never ending. I made so many mistakes, and so many decisions, and the only thing I didn’t make was progress. Well at least that’s what I thought at the time.

My sister going into hospital lead to every emotion i had ever concealed being carved out of me, wounds re-opened and every pain I had felt became fresh again. I had developed a hate, which is something I never tried to do. It is real and natural. I have learnt a lot about my mother, she has taken away the last thing I love, and It is not the first time she has done that to me. I am my father’s son and I will be all that he’s taught me to be. I’ve done fine without her, and I will persist. I never knew it was possible to be so heartless, but I guess If you’re not born with a heart then you’re never going to grow one.

 Over the course of time, I have changed from love to love and things have changed and my past has very much passed. I have no regrets, and I am done with proving myself to people. I may be nothing to many, but to myself I am someone and to someone else I am enough. No more do I feel anguish, affirmity, or affliction. In hindsight, I’m glad things have turned out this way, I would be very different from who I am now if she had never left, I may never have learned any lessons at all.

         My life has been a lesson, and It’s times like this where i can almost watch from afar, that i realise that my life has turned a corner. I have loved and lost. I have broken and I have restored. I’ve written a new page and I am better. My life is breaking waves in new waters, purged waters of optimism where only those with hearts will float, and I will watch you sink. You are the reason for the cracks in the foundations of my life and I will hold that against you forever. You are the master of your own downfall, and although you have tried to hold me down through your spite, and your resent. I am going to achieve more than you can imagine, more than you could have ever dreamed of and I’m going to do it all without you. 
          I hope you read this, and I pray that it is the echo in your ears. You have not won anything, and you will never escape your life of superficial impurities. You are lower than every sinner. You will go to hell and Our time will come. 

To anyone reading this who doesn’t really know my situations, or to anyone who undermines what I write. Please just think about the principles I’m talking about; I’m sure you’ve experienced something, where someone has taken away something you love, want or need simply through greed and selfishness. My story isn’t to tell the world about me.. It’s to make a point that you can become something, or someone without achieving anything in anyone else’s eyes. It just takes the intrinsic rewards of seeing yourself through something just finding and knowing who you are is important, and that story is me making an example of myself, to show that you can come back from any situation despite what else happens to you. Nobody should ever hold you down. Don’t let things hurt you, and its easier said than done, but then again, that cliche is easier said than thought about. Strive.

We sit under the stars as they shoot across the sky,
Heart beats like prisoners with no place to hide,
I watch a star fall and break through the night, 
Make a wish and hopefully i’ll see what’s inside.
Trees blow in circles and the moon reflects in your eyes, 
If i could die like this tonight then i would not think twice.

It’s true to say i’m breakable, even though nothing is in my way,
it’s fair to think that i’m a fool but forget about yesterday,
The cliches tell the stories of every minute i’m awake,
but i’m sick of facing a jury or even what you’ve got to say,
I’m honest and i can’t lie that this is the best way,
I thank God for forgiveness, i welcome the better days.

Move back towards the door press my hands through your hair,
I forget the world then push you back you pull me everywhere,
You pull my hair and touch my lips like it’s a movie or a dream,
I never thought that this would happen, but you wanted to become obscene.
Every inch of finger tip i can run down your spine,
moves along your soft skin and then our fingers intertwined..

Why the fuck would you want to be in love?

Everybody goes on about how they’ve found the one for them, or they’re waiting to find the one, but why do we even fall in love?  What’s the point? Don’t get me wrong, I know what it feels like to be in love.. and yes it’s amazing when it’s good! However what i wonder is.. why do we all try to find that other person.. I understand that the human race has one true purpose; to reproduce. Who ever said we need to love someone for that? Love is an amazing thing but i can’t think of a love that has lasted, without ever feeling pain or hurt whilst being in love. Is all the hurt we go through worth it for one person? True love is indescribable, so how are we to know what love feels like to want to fall in love with somebody, because nobody can describe it to us, nobody can tell us how good it is.. so how?   if your really in love, the person you love, practically has a hold of your heart, your emotions, your thoughts, and who you are in general, and when a person has that hold on you, it makes you feel so safe, but after a while it hurts because you become so attached and it’s easy to feel like you have somewhat merged into one, and in the end, you realise that you’re not one. You’re always you and you have you’re personal ways, you feel so close and connected, like loneliness is out of the question; almost as if it’s the automatic answer to cure loneliness. I don’t really understand it but we all risk it? Im still going to risk it.  because for me, the risk is worth the gain.

I don’t need this, I don’t need you - I have no interest to please or appease you.

I’m done wasting my fucking time, I’ve had enough of cowards wasting my fucking life. 

I’m only human and i feel what everyone else feels. But I’ve been feeling the same things for too long and I always wonder how greener the grass might be on the other side. I’ve known exactly how to deal with everything that’s been thrown at me ever since my parent split up, and I’ve been able to help anyone who’s needed me with an answer. Nobody’s ever taught me these things and I’m so grateful for being lucky enough to have the ability to deal with everything. Until now everything has been simple for me to understand, but now i feel so inclined to find something more in life. Inspiration seems to come from everywhere, but I’m running myself into walls by trying to make sure everyone else is happy whilst keeping myself content. I want so much from life, and there are so many things i would love to do, or be. But I’m scared to death because i don’t know how to get myself out of this hole and I’m scared to let anyone down. I can only see people getting hurt and I’m struggling to stop that happening. I need something to help me, someone to tell me what i need to do. Because I’m finding it hard to figure this out. I hate this whole situation and i would do anything to get out of it. I don’t even know how i got here and i can only blame myself. I don’t want sympathy i just want peace, i don’t want to lose anyone. 

If you think this has something to do with you, then it probably does. I want everyone to be happy, and i think it’s time that you moved on from me now and took another step in life. Don’t think I’m gone or I’m not your best friend, because that’s all i can ever owe to you, just please smile instead of crying, and laugh about all the good times. Because life is about now and the future, the only time you should look back is to think about the things that made you happy. You made me happy, and i love you for that.

It’s been quite a while since I have really opened up on here and I cannot explain to anyone the situation clearly, so this post is directed to someone who has in everyway possible, managed to hold me down.

How can you sleep at night and smile in the day when everything you built with us broke because of you. How can you seem so happy and jubilant to see your once prince charming on his knees, and taking me out of the equation in the wake of your desire. Nothing like this happened to you, this suffering will never end because you’re only insentive is to break what was fought for to be built. And you push salt in our wounds and fill the cracks with water but have you ever stopped to think about me? Be honest- did you even mention my name? No is the answer, because I live in a house with one person who really lives life so I can, I life a life of no money and no luxury. Yet you sit back and smile, God will never forgive you and the devil would repel you from hell. There is no place for you.
You fill her young head with wrongs and poison her thoughts and turn the world against us, but who are you fightIng for. Your gain is minimal but the effect on me is profound. I have lost you, all affection is dead and every ember of love has cooled. But it still burns me inside to know you’re not there, and I will move on like I always do; but dear god I will show no mercy and I will be faithful to the ones who show faith. You have fallen away, and you can try and hold us down and pull us with you- but God has no faith in you. I lost everything for you, my social life, sporting life, education ways, every ounce of confidence was drowned in tears and all my inhibitions were taken, from a decision I know you regret. But who suffers? I do, and for that reason I blame you for all the struggle I face. It is all your fault.

Well I’m about to spend my cold life
Cutting corners, placing blame
Any moment this could catch fire,
Erasing all the stains, so here’s to starting over
We could be the same, we’ll change it all together
The future’s mine to claim!

Seeing past,
It’s about time I asked for more
Watching my life, at the distance we have come
While I bled, while I’ve learned.

String it Along,

Say You’ll Love Me Either Way!